


An Unfortunate Occurrence

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Explicit Language, Humor, Other, Out of Character, Parody, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-30
Updated: 2008-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-01 06:38:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10183091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: "He had maybe an hour until the end of the world. Hell had just frozen over. Pigs had just gotten wings. Snape had just become the winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award. "





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Rated _M_ for language, sexual situations, implied Non-con, and implied Het sex.

 

Harry Potter awoke with a huge yawn and a stretch. He felt rested and refreshed. He reached toward the nightstand where his glasses normally were and his fingertips met nothing but air. Somewhat alarmed, he opened his eyes.

This was not the boy’s dormitory! It was little more than a cupboard with a bed inside. His mind began spinning. Was he at the Dursleys’? No, this was bigger than his cupboard under the stairs. He got slowly out of bed and felt around for a light switch, but found none. He did find a doorknob, though. It didn’t turn.

He knocked on the door. “Um, hello?”

There was a noise from outside, but no reply. He knocked louder. “Hello? Is anyone out there?”

A stereo kicked on outside his door and he could feel the thud of the bass through the walls and floor. He pounded harder. He knew someone was out there.

“HEY! LET ME OUT!”

The only response was the volume of the stereo clicking up a bit more.

Harry sat on the edge of his “bed” trying to figure out how he’d gotten here. Last night he’d partied with Ron and Hermione and the Gryffindor Quidditch team after their spectacular win over Ravenclaw. Then he’d gone up to bed at about two in the morning. He’d had several firewhiskeys, but he wasn’t piss drunk. So why could he remember anything? Had his firewhiskey been drugged?

His full bladder brought him back to his current predicament. How was he going to get out of here?

“HEY!” Harry jumped off the bed and went to the door again. “HEY, LET ME OUT! I HAVE TO GO TO THE TOILET!”

The music shut off and there was shuffling outside. Harry grew hopeful. Footsteps came right to the other side of the door and stopped.

“Hello in there?” A girl’s voice said.

“Hey, can you let me out? I have to go to the –”

“Yes, yes, I heard you the first time. I can’t let you out, though. Not yet, anyway. Just think about something else.”

“Please. At least tell me where I am.”

The girl outside laughed. “You’re at my house, of course.”

“Er – and where is that?”

There was another giggle and then the girl went away. Harry pressed an ear to the door and listened carefully. There was the squeak of a chair being sat in, and then the sound of furious typing.

With a heavy sigh, Harry sat back down on the bed. He had only one comforting thought and it was that when his friends found out he was missing, they would begin looking for him immediately. He lay down and closed his eyes, hoping they’d find him soon. He was beginning to get hungry.

Meanwhile, back in the boy’s dormitory, Ron Weasley was just waking up. It was early on a Sunday morning. Harry had promised to let him have a go on the Firebolt that afternoon. He looked over at Harry’s bed.

There was someone sleeping there, but it didn’t look like the Harry Ron had come to know. This Harry had long black hair down to his arse, and he had a huge tattoo of a dragon across his bare chest. The boy rolled over with a groan and opened his frighteningly green eyes.

“Um, Harry?” Ron asked the mysterious boy.

“Yeah, Ron?” Harry stood up from the bed. He was now almost a head taller than Ron.

“What happened to you?”

Harry looked down at himself. “What do you mean? I don’t see anything different.”

“Well, mate, you didn’t look like that when you went to bed last night . . . at least I don’t think you looked like that. I was pretty pissed last night, but . . .”

Harry stretched his tall, skinny body and pulled off his pajama bottoms, walking about the dormitory in absolutely nothing. Ron looked away, too embarrassed and confused to comment.

“Ron, have you seen my baggy black pants and my tight green tee-shirt? I want to wear them down to breakfast today.”

“Harry, you don’t own any clothes like that,” Ron said, his eyes widening. 

“Yes I do, I bought a whole new wardrobe in Diagon Alley over the summer. Don’t you remember?”

Ron shook his head. “I don’t remember, Harry.”

“Right then. I’m off to shower.”

Ron took a deep breath as Harry left. What the fuck was going on here? Was he dreaming, maybe? He pulled up the sleeve of his pajamas and pinched his arm, hard. Nope, not dreaming. If is wasn’t a dream, then, it must be real. The thought terrified him.

There was only one person he could go to for help. Hermione.

 

Hermione Granger rolled over and felt another body next to her. Alarmed, she sat upright in bed and looked around. 

“Harry?”

Harry opened his eyes and looked up. “Hermione?”

“What are you doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing here? What are _you_ doing here.”

Hermione shook her head to clear her mind of the thousands of questions that had bubbled to the surface. She inhaled slowly and then asked, “Where are we?”

“I think we’re in some sort of cupboard. There’s a girl outside. I talked with her earlier, but she wouldn’t let me out. I really wish she would. I’ve really got to pee.”

Hermione climbed carefully over Harry and felt for the doorknob. “Oh, if only I had my wand!” She groaned.

“So, now what do we do?” Harry sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. “She won’t let us out of here. And I was hoping you and Ron would tell Dumbledore and then start looking for me.”

Hermione banged hard on the door.

“Hello? Can you hear us? Hello?”

The steady click-clack of typing stopped suddenly and the patter of bare feet came across the room to the door.

“Hermione Granger? Are you in there, too?”

“How do you know my name?” Hermione asked anxiously. 

There was only a giggle in response.

“Will you please let us out?”

“I’m sorry, but no,” said the girl on the other side of the door. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Why are we locked up in here? Please, we won’t run away or anything. Just let us out, please.”

When there was no reply, Hermione went back to the bed and sat down next to Harry. He was fidgeting slightly, clamping his thighs together.

“How long can you hold it?” Hermione asked him. 

“I don’t know. I drank a lot last night.”

“I told you not to drink that stuff,” Hermione huffed. 

Harry rolled his eyes. Leave it up to Hermione to lecture him at a time like this. “So, what do we do now?”

“We wait, I guess.”

 

Ron pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater and hurried down to the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was always up before everyone. Usually she could be found in the corner by the window, getting in some early morning studying. This morning, however, the chair was empty. 

Ron was definitely worried now. Something was terribly wrong. If Hermione had slept in, then the world was sure to come to an end within the next five minutes. He took a deep breath and headed toward the girls’ dormitory. He stepped on the first stair and waited for it to slide out from underneath him. Nothing happened, so he went up another stair, and another. He reached the door to the dormitory, and still nothing had happened. He knocked politely on the door. 

“Hermione? Are you in there?”

The door opened and a girl came out. She had bubblegum pink hair that was spiked and she was wearing a leather jacket and tight dragon hide trousers.

“Yeah, Ron? You need something?”

Ron’s eyeballs nearly fell out of his head. 

“Her – Hermione?” he gasped. “What the – bloody fuck – Hermione?”

“Ron, close your mouth. Stop gawking at me. Really, you act like you’ve never seen me before!”

Ron very nearly fainted. Something was wrong, all right. He had maybe an hour until the end of the world. Hell had just frozen over. Pigs had just gotten wings. Snape had just become the winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award. 

Ron backed down the stairs two at a time, his mouth still hanging open in horror. Once at the bottoms of the stairs he turned on his heel and fled from the common room. Surely there was somebody in the castle that was normal?

 

The closet was now very full. Harry and Hermione had been joined by Cho Chang, Dumbledore, Lavander Brown, the Patil twins, Ginny Weasley, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Pansy Parkinson, Hannah Abbot, Minerva McGonagall, and Draco Malfoy. They were all elbowing each other in an effort to make more room. Harry squeezed himself into the corner next to the bed and drew his knees toward his chest. His bladder was full to bursting. If he wet himself now, it would be so very embarrassing.

“What are we all doing here?” Remus asked. 

“Black! Get your hand out of my lap this instant!” Snape snarled.

“My hand is nowhere near you lap, Snivellus,” Sirius barked.

“Ow! Potter!” Malfoy kicked at the person who had stepped on his foot.

“That wasn’t me, I swear!” Harry squeaked.

“Mr. Malfoy, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t kick me,” said the stern voice of Professor McGonagall. 

“Are we ever going to get out of here?” Hannah asked. 

“I’m hungry.”

“Me too.”

“Me three.”

Suddenly, the door to the little cupboard opened and everyone inside was bathed in light. Slowly, they made their way out, blinking in the sudden light. They were in a bedroom. Dark clothes were scattered all over the floor and bed, and a computer sat on a desk near the window. Hermione made her way toward it immediately.

“Oh my! Look!” She pointed to the screen.

‘Snape scowled down his long nose at Hermione, taking in her pink hair and leather attire. She was certainly more attractive this year than usual. His cock hardened underneath his robes.’

Snape glared at the words. Whatever this was, he wanted to throw it out the nearby window and watch it smash into a thousand pieces.

“Oh, fucking Merlin! A bathroom!” Harry groaned, running inside and slamming the door.

“I know what this is,” said Hermione. “I’ve read about it. It’s called fan fiction.”

Dumbledore leaned over and read the computer screen as well. “I do believe you are right, Miss Granger.”

“Fan fiction?” asked Lavender. “What’s that?”

“It’s where people take one story and write their own stories about its characters,” Hermione answered in her best ‘teacher’ voice.

“Worse,” said Dumbledore happily. “She’s turned everyone into Mary Sues and Gary Stus.”

There was quite a bit of shock at that. Snape grabbed the latch on the window and forced it open.

“Stand back, Headmaster,” he said in his most menacing tone. He grabbed the computer monitor and lifted it to the windowsill. 

“Severus, don’t! Those are very expensive!” Parvati Patil cried, darting forward.

With an evil smile, Severus let the computer monitor crash onto the concrete below the window. Glass and plastic and metal flew everywhere.

The bedroom door opened and a teenage girl walked in holding a sandwich. She had shaggy brown hair and brown eyes and was wearing only a dingy tee-shirt and faded jeans. Her eyes widened, but then a grin appeared on her face.

“You didn’t destroy my story, you know,” she said, almost giggling. “The information is stored in the hard drive of the computer. It’s in that part there.”

Snape grabbed the tower and sent it the way of the monitor. Now the little teenager looked truly shocked!

“You fucking idiot!” She screamed, rushing forward. “Do you have any idea how much time that story took to write?”

Harry opened the bathroom door and stepped out, looking very much relieved. He spotted their female captor and stormed up to her. 

“Why did you keep us all locked up in there?” He demanded. “Do you know I’ve had to pee all day? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Five points from Gryffindor, Potter, for your language,” Snape sneered.

“Severus, we aren’t at Hogwarts,” Dumbledore chided gently. “Besides, I think Harry’s questions are good ones. Perhaps this young lady cares to explain?”

The teenager blinked slowly. “I write fan fiction. I can make you guys do whatever I want, whenever I want. Watch.”

She grabbed a pencil and a spiral-bound notebook from a shelf above her bed and sat down on her bed. Her hand flew over the paper, writing furiously. 

Everyone looked at each other, waiting for something to happen. When nothing seemed to occur, they began to laugh. The little author began to tear up.

“Why is nothing happening?” she whined, tears pouring down her face.

“Because you aren’t writing about us,” Sirius laughed. “You’re writing about your own made-up characters and replacing us.”

The girl continued to cry. “But – but – why?”

“Because when you write characters ‘out of character,’ you aren’t really writing about us,” Dumbledore explained kindly.

“Yes, so please let us go now,” said Cho.

“Fine,” the girl moaned. She ripped up her notebook and let the pieces of paper fall to the floor. 

All of the teachers and students were transported back to Hogwarts. Sirius Black unfortunately, was left behind. He was neither teacher nor student. He stepped forward toward the author and picked up a couple of the pieces of her notebook.

“Er – what about me? Aren’t you going to send me home?”

The girl looked up and grinned. “Nope. You character died, remember?”

Sirius’ face went pale and he scrambled backward in terror. If only J.K. hadn’t killed him off! There was no place to send him back to! His back met the wall and he knew he had no place to run. The teenage girl continued to advance upon him with a menacing grin on her face. Sirius closed his eyes in horror, hoping his torture would soon be over.

THE END


End file.
